dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
