I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
