woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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