He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
