I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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