how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Help. Why am I so naked?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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