somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im holly from the hills drunk
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
