Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
