I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
