if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
