I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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