i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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