You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
