Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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