Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
ok first of all what the fuck
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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