I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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