There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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