I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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