Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
