you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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