Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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