I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
