If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
