I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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