Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
