life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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