So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
