dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
