ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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