That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
