Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
