You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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