Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
