turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
