he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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