So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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