Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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