I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
