why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
