i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
