I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
50% drunk capacity currently
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
