His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
