Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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