My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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