When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
