My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
