my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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