They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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