I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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