I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fill condoms, not promises.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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