Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
