im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
